Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
