The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
