I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
