WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize