Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
