i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
