My nipple is on Facebook.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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