I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
