I CAN MOONWALK!
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
