I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
