Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
