I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
