just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
