i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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