I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
