how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I did not marry a roomba.
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