Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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