my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
