we have pet lesbian snakes
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
NoShamevember. You game?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
