I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
