my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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