This is not my ceiling
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
