Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
