My friends, they love my intelligence
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
