i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
the liver wants what the liver wants
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
