I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
