I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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