Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
