My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
