Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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