I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
