Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
