I accidentally burped into my bong.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
