I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
