Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
