Umm I'm too high to move.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
