I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
