His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
