Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
