I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
