did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
