woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Semen is not good for contacts.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
