you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
