If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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