he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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