call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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