I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize