My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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