My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
