My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
