If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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