I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
