I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
