I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Let's get the cat blown out
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
