her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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