I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
