Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
