The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize