What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
