can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
