SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
